A harsh realization

Today I went to return the plates from the Intrepid and canceled the insurance. My day didn't start as early as I wanted it too but again I didn't sleep well last night. When I did get up, I was talking to my mom for a while and by the time I got out of the house, it was almost 12. I got home around 12:45 and basically did nothing else for the rest of the day. I just don't seem to have any desire for anything.

Dinner time came around and I was not all too hungry. I went into the kitchen and my brother Lou was in there with my niece, sister-in-law, my mom and my cousin. I walked in and then walked right out again. I just wasn't in the mood for all those people. My other brother Mark called because he got a puppy for my niece and wanted me to stop by and check him out. I left my house with the kitchen still full and headed over to his house. When I got there my other brothers kids were there along with Mark's. I saw the pup and hung out for a bit. My brother Joe showed up and they were all talking in the kitchen as I sat alone in the living room watching TV. Again for some reason I just didn't have it in me to say much or even get up and go over to where they were and then it hit me... I just lack the desire for any interaction... with anyone.

I almost felt alienated to the point of no return. I felt as if I was in a room full of strangers. Its a strange feeling and its not there fault... well maybe to some degree it is... but mostly its me. I cant help but feel that I am alone in this. I don't have my 3 brothers for support and they really don't understand what this is like. My mom is a wreck on a daily basis and I don't have an outlet. Sherry is here for me but she has allot going on too and I cant and don't expect her to jump for me. I know that she would if I asked but the bottom line here is that I have 3 brothers and if they don't want to help me... forget me! Its there mom and dad too! Out of my brothers, Mark seems to visit the most. He is here usually once a week. Joe was here about 3 weeks ago and has not come by since nor has he called. I hate to talk like this but the day is going to come when dad will not be here anymore. I know that I am doing and have done everything I can for him. I wonder if some people are going to have regrets.

I love my family. I just wish they understood whats going on and how it hurts my mom, my dad and me that they don't visit him more.

Meet Mr. Gene Simmons

A few months back, I was lucky enough to meet one of my all time hero's. Mr. Gene Simmons of KISS. This picture was taken outside a club in NYC where Sherry and I attended a party for the release of his solo album A**Hole. For those of you that know me, you know that I have been a huge KISS fan since I was...well... always! Gene was a true gentleman and I wish him all the best. I know that he will never see this little place I call home but I wanted to say that through all of the pain and sorrow I have been and am going through, that one night I was able to smile for a few hours. Thanks, Gene.

Sleep deprivation...

I am into day 6 of my involuntary sleep deprivation experiment. It has been quite the challenge for me to keep my eyes open for so long but I have to admit that I do catch the occasional hour here and there. I suppose that is what is keeping me somewhat sane. As if I was ever 100% sane to begin with but thats another story. In any case, I highly recommend the non-sleep thing. You will be amazed at the rainbow of colors you see when your brain is trying to shut down without permission!

Toni and Eddie just left. They stopped by for some coffee and to hang out with mom and dad for a while. It was real nice to see them and I know it makes dad happy. They will be back next week and they said they plan on spending the whole day so that mom, dad, Toni and Eddie can play a few hands of penoccle. Sounds like a plan to me :)

The nurse will be here in a few minutes. Dad is doing much better than he was a few nights ago thank God. His spirits are up and he was out of bed and in the kitchen this morning before I even got up. I gave him a nice shave and he is ready for his close-ups now :) Lets hope this lasts for a while.

Cindy is still in the hospital. I hope she comes home soon. She seems to be doing well with the treatments from what I can gather. I know she would like to come home asap to spend time with Melissa and just be out of the city. When she comes home, I think I am going to treat the entire Levine clan to Chinese food. I know Cindy loves that and I think it will bring a smile to her face. It seems that I make her laugh. Allot. I don't know what it is... I guess I'm just a funny guy. Yes, funny like a clown... to amuse you :)

One more thing before I go. Sherry. I have to say that she is something else. Not only is she going through all the pain and fear as everyone else, but at the same time she is working, going to school, taking care of things at home like cooking and cleaning, watching after Melissa, homework, bills, acting as an operator with all the calls that pour into the house... the list goes on and on. I don't think she realizes how strong she really is. She always has time to listen to me and make me smile and I am honored to be able to call her my best friend. There is nothing I wouldn't do for her. Thank you for being here, sweet. Times are tough but we will be OK. Melissa has a fantastic roll model in you. Stay strong and I will always be your "rock"
Have a great day, everyone :)

Best friends

Best friends
This is my mom and dad with there best friends Toni and Eddie. Toni and Eddie are like second parents to me and I have known them all of my life. They had to be included into my little corner here because they are family :)

What a day!

Well the day started good enough... I got up and met Sherry at the mall where her, her niece and myself had some lunch. After that we walked around a bit while Melissa slept in the stroller and then headed back to my house so my mom could see the baby. Dad was up in the kitchen this morning and when we got here with the baby, he was sleeping. Sherry left and I figured I would relax some. My brother Mark came by for dinner with his wife and kids and dad actually sat at the table with us and ate. It was great! Dad has not had dinner with us in 2 months and we were all happy he was in there with us. My niece Brieann gave him a bracelet to wear. Its this yellow thing and its supposed to stand for hope and never give up. I think that was sweet of her :)

Well the night didn't go quite as well as the day did. Not long after dinner, dad began to feel sick. Within maybe 2 hours of dinner, he became violently ill to the point that we had to call hospice. The nurse called back but was of little help. I will spare you of all the details. After being sick for 2-3 hours, he finally began to feel somewhat better. I went outside to talk to Sherry on the phone for a bit and when I came back inside, I heard both mom and dad crying and trying to keep it quiet so no one would hear them. I waited for a short while so I would not disturb them and when I thought it was OK, I went in the room. My mom went outside to be alone for a second and I turned on the Olympics and watched it with my dad for a while. My mom told me that dad asked to hold her hand and she wanted to know why. She thought maybe he wanted to sit up but he said he just wanted to hold her hand. That broke her heart and mine as well. He must be so afraid of whats going to happen to him. I did my best to assure mom that tomorrow is another day and lets just hope he feels better. Then she told me that he was afraid that he would never see me married. Through it all I kept my best game face on and did a great job at not looking as depressed as I truly am. I'm alone now. Now its safe. As I said in one of my other posts, I am indeed human... and now I can break.

Dad is sleeping now. Tonight took allot out of him. I hope he sleeps comfortably tonight and tomorrow we will start over again. I will be starting work again in a few weeks. One of the perks of working for a school is being able to have the summer off. Time is running out now though and I really want to get the ball rolling with Sloan Kettering. Its hard though because of the hospice. As great as it is, they will not permit a visit to a hospital. We will have to take him off hospice first but then we will loose the hospital bed and the meds will no longer be free. Can someone tell me why life is so hard? Why does my poor father have to go through this?

Well thats all for now. I have not had any real sleep for the better part of 4 days now. I guess I'll climb into bed and watch the shadows change on the celling as the sun comes up. Good night all.