...

My dad passed quietly away today at 2:20 PM.

It figures...

Yesterday I had a rotten day. My car is running like crap and I have no time to turn wrenches right now, my bus broke down again and I was stranded for a few hours, everything thats going on with dad... so when I got home last night I figured I would post a new entry. I wrote out this long post and when I hit submit, I got the "Page can not be displayed" message. When I hit the back button, low and behold my post was gone. WTF? Cant anything go right?

My dad seems to be back in a coma. He opens his eyes but does not respond to us at all. If nothing else, his pain seems to be under control but he is so helpless. I always considered myself a good person but lately I find myself having thoughts that are not happy ones. I see my dad and I wonder why he is going through all of this... then I wish it wasn't him. Maybe someone else is more deserving of this. That is such a bad feeling. It gives me conflict because really who does deserve this? Maybe I'm not such the good person I have always touted myself as being.

Last week some time I was talking with my mom and my brother Mark and we were saying how maybe when all is said and done, we could all use a vacation. Maybe a cruse. After talking about it it hit me how surreal and absurd a thought this was. A vacation? We were talking as if we were going through a tough move or a long stretch of work and needed time off. I only wish that was all it is but its not. Its far worse. And of all things, a cruse? Growing up, we had a boat. It was a nice size boat and we would spent the entire summer on it. The smell of the ocean has always brought back such great memories of those times. Yesterday I was driving through Sheepshead bay in Brooklyn and I got a whiff of that ocean air and it made me sad. It wasn't the kind of sad that comes over you gradually as you think back... it was instantaneous and it blindsided me with emotion just wishing I could go back in time to those days. How could I ever even get near a boat without my dad there? These are the thoughts and feelings I have in most of my awake hours.

One other thing has happened to me and it has taken me quite by surprise. I always saw myself as being married with a few children and I still do. Only now for some reason my desire to have a child of my own is overwhelming. Maybe its because I want to honor my father... maybe its because it is a continuation of life... or maybe its just because I have a heart full of love that needs a direction. Whatever it is, the feeling is strong and I am fully aware of it.

God bless...
Chris

Maybe...

(This is the post that I thought was deleted... so the "It Figures" post is kind of similar.)

Sometimes I question myself. I see my dad suffering and I ask why. Why him and not maybe someone else. Then I question the thoughts and feel horrible about it. No one deserves to go through this... yet I just cant stop wondering why. Dad is basically in a state of coma again and I don't know how many times he is going to pull out of it. He has not eaten in days and his body is shutting down. This is nothing less than a long drawn out torture for him and for us.

I think I am a good person but then I get these thoughts and think maybe... just maybe I am not. Is it normal for someone to feel like this? Is it normal to basically wish death on someone if it could save your father? That thought sends a chill down my spine because it is so far from my nature to feel like that... but then again I have never been in this situation before.

I honestly feel like a broken defeated man. It seems that just about everything goes wrong in my life lately. My cars keep breaking down, my work has been unruly, and of course my dad. All of this and I see no light at the end of the tunnel. The worst part of it all is that I cant even say "...well it can only get better from here" because the reality of it is that it is going to get far far worse from here.

I was talking to my mom and brother Mark some time last week and we were saying that we need a vacation and that maybe after all was said and done, we would all take a cruse. That seems so damn surreal! I mean we were talking about this as if we were going through a move or something rather than dealing with the loss of dad. After thinking about it I felt horrible. Vacation? What about dad? And a cruse no less? I was driving in sheepshead bay today and I got a whiff of the ocean air and I immediately was taken back to when I was a kid. We had a boat and would spend the entire summer on it and all of those memories came rushing back. Normally I love those memories and always loved the smell of the ocean but today it just made me cry. It wasn't the kind of sadness that comes on gradually as you think back. It was more like an instantaneous reaction and I was blindsided by this emotion. How in the world could I get on a boat without my father ever again?

I have one more thing here and it is a reaction that I never expected in all of my life. If you ask any of my friends, they would tell you how close I was always to my family and how they envisioned me with children of my own. I always figured I would have one or 2. For some reason though, my urge to have a child of my own is very strong lately. Maybe because I want to honor my dad... maybe because it is a continuation of life... maybe just because I have so much love to give. I don't have the answer but it is a very deep feeling... one I was not prepared for... and I am fully aware of it. Again I am blindsided.