It figures...
Yesterday I had a rotten day. My car is running like crap and I have no time to turn wrenches right now, my bus broke down again and I was stranded for a few hours, everything thats going on with dad... so when I got home last night I figured I would post a new entry. I wrote out this long post and when I hit submit, I got the "Page can not be displayed" message. When I hit the back button, low and behold my post was gone. WTF? Cant anything go right?
My dad seems to be back in a coma. He opens his eyes but does not respond to us at all. If nothing else, his pain seems to be under control but he is so helpless. I always considered myself a good person but lately I find myself having thoughts that are not happy ones. I see my dad and I wonder why he is going through all of this... then I wish it wasn't him. Maybe someone else is more deserving of this. That is such a bad feeling. It gives me conflict because really who does deserve this? Maybe I'm not such the good person I have always touted myself as being.
Last week some time I was talking with my mom and my brother Mark and we were saying how maybe when all is said and done, we could all use a vacation. Maybe a cruse. After talking about it it hit me how surreal and absurd a thought this was. A vacation? We were talking as if we were going through a tough move or a long stretch of work and needed time off. I only wish that was all it is but its not. Its far worse. And of all things, a cruse? Growing up, we had a boat. It was a nice size boat and we would spent the entire summer on it. The smell of the ocean has always brought back such great memories of those times. Yesterday I was driving through Sheepshead bay in Brooklyn and I got a whiff of that ocean air and it made me sad. It wasn't the kind of sad that comes over you gradually as you think back... it was instantaneous and it blindsided me with emotion just wishing I could go back in time to those days. How could I ever even get near a boat without my dad there? These are the thoughts and feelings I have in most of my awake hours.
One other thing has happened to me and it has taken me quite by surprise. I always saw myself as being married with a few children and I still do. Only now for some reason my desire to have a child of my own is overwhelming. Maybe its because I want to honor my father... maybe its because it is a continuation of life... or maybe its just because I have a heart full of love that needs a direction. Whatever it is, the feeling is strong and I am fully aware of it.
God bless...
Chris
My dad seems to be back in a coma. He opens his eyes but does not respond to us at all. If nothing else, his pain seems to be under control but he is so helpless. I always considered myself a good person but lately I find myself having thoughts that are not happy ones. I see my dad and I wonder why he is going through all of this... then I wish it wasn't him. Maybe someone else is more deserving of this. That is such a bad feeling. It gives me conflict because really who does deserve this? Maybe I'm not such the good person I have always touted myself as being.
Last week some time I was talking with my mom and my brother Mark and we were saying how maybe when all is said and done, we could all use a vacation. Maybe a cruse. After talking about it it hit me how surreal and absurd a thought this was. A vacation? We were talking as if we were going through a tough move or a long stretch of work and needed time off. I only wish that was all it is but its not. Its far worse. And of all things, a cruse? Growing up, we had a boat. It was a nice size boat and we would spent the entire summer on it. The smell of the ocean has always brought back such great memories of those times. Yesterday I was driving through Sheepshead bay in Brooklyn and I got a whiff of that ocean air and it made me sad. It wasn't the kind of sad that comes over you gradually as you think back... it was instantaneous and it blindsided me with emotion just wishing I could go back in time to those days. How could I ever even get near a boat without my dad there? These are the thoughts and feelings I have in most of my awake hours.
One other thing has happened to me and it has taken me quite by surprise. I always saw myself as being married with a few children and I still do. Only now for some reason my desire to have a child of my own is overwhelming. Maybe its because I want to honor my father... maybe its because it is a continuation of life... or maybe its just because I have a heart full of love that needs a direction. Whatever it is, the feeling is strong and I am fully aware of it.
God bless...
Chris
posted by Chris at 9:22 AM
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