2 years gone by
Well its been almost a year since I posted on this blog. I think I needed to get away from it for a while. Every post reminded me of my father and while that's not a bad thing, it was a bit of an overload for me.
Yesterday, October 6th, marked 2 years since my father left us. It was a day wrought with emotion and tears. I expected it to be that way and so I didn't fight it. I let it take me over and do with me as it wished.
I left work a bit early yesterday to get home and get ready for the night. Mark, Lou and myself took my mom out for dinner to celebrate dad's life. We ate, laughed, made a toast and just had a nice time together as family. I know that is exactly as dad would have wanted it.
How strange is time? Trying to figure out how 2 years ago seems like 2 minutes ago is the same as trying to wrap your mind around infinity. I can still feel his face under my hands as I gave him a shave. I can still see his smile and smell his skin. I can hear him calling to me and feel my pain as he slipped away. The pain is no less now then it was that day at 2:20 PM.
I believe in God. I believe that he is in a better place but I cant accept it. I cant blindly believe that its all part of a plan. The words "Have faith" took quite a hit that day. The saying "God only gives you what you can handle" makes me ill. Maybe I cant see the bigger picture here. Maybe I'm missing something! Perhaps I am not as highly evolved as some others who can blindly put all there faith into the total unknown and feel at peace with the world and the cards they have been dealt....
.... or maybe I am only human. Maybe having such absolute faith is not something us mere mortals were meant to have. The very fact that we do have questions and doubts is the very stuff that makes us what we are to begin with. Maybe... just maybe the only being capable of absolute faith in God is indeed God himself.
I say whatever gets you through your day is faith enough. My faith has been damaged to some extent. My life has changed and I'm not sure why and I don't believe it was meant to be. I cant wrap my brain around that and I am not going to try anymore. I am going to go through my life sad and pissed off until the day comes that I simply don't feel that way anymore... and that's OK. I am human and God knows that. He created me and all of my human faults... and he loves me regardless.
I Love you, dad, and I miss you more than any words could ever begin to express.
Always your son,
Christopher.
Yesterday, October 6th, marked 2 years since my father left us. It was a day wrought with emotion and tears. I expected it to be that way and so I didn't fight it. I let it take me over and do with me as it wished.
I left work a bit early yesterday to get home and get ready for the night. Mark, Lou and myself took my mom out for dinner to celebrate dad's life. We ate, laughed, made a toast and just had a nice time together as family. I know that is exactly as dad would have wanted it.
How strange is time? Trying to figure out how 2 years ago seems like 2 minutes ago is the same as trying to wrap your mind around infinity. I can still feel his face under my hands as I gave him a shave. I can still see his smile and smell his skin. I can hear him calling to me and feel my pain as he slipped away. The pain is no less now then it was that day at 2:20 PM.
I believe in God. I believe that he is in a better place but I cant accept it. I cant blindly believe that its all part of a plan. The words "Have faith" took quite a hit that day. The saying "God only gives you what you can handle" makes me ill. Maybe I cant see the bigger picture here. Maybe I'm missing something! Perhaps I am not as highly evolved as some others who can blindly put all there faith into the total unknown and feel at peace with the world and the cards they have been dealt....
.... or maybe I am only human. Maybe having such absolute faith is not something us mere mortals were meant to have. The very fact that we do have questions and doubts is the very stuff that makes us what we are to begin with. Maybe... just maybe the only being capable of absolute faith in God is indeed God himself.
I say whatever gets you through your day is faith enough. My faith has been damaged to some extent. My life has changed and I'm not sure why and I don't believe it was meant to be. I cant wrap my brain around that and I am not going to try anymore. I am going to go through my life sad and pissed off until the day comes that I simply don't feel that way anymore... and that's OK. I am human and God knows that. He created me and all of my human faults... and he loves me regardless.
I Love you, dad, and I miss you more than any words could ever begin to express.
Always your son,
Christopher.
posted by Chris at 10:45 AM
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